If you’re a student, an early-stage founder, a full-fledged entrepreneur, or just exploring entrepreneurship, one thing connects us all: conflict. In whatever environment or circumstance, you’ve undoubtedly had a disagreement with someone.
Lesli Shooter, a performance and well-being coach, advisor, and consultant focused on high-performance and elite sports, sees conflict all the time. In fact, she’s built her career on it. She hosted the Lassonde for Life workshop “Navigating Conflict” where she detailed seven tips for finding mutually beneficial resolutions.
Understand types of conflict
“Types of conflict in the workplace specifically are endless,” Shooter said. “In every meeting, conversation, or task, there is an opportunity for conflict.”
Shooter grouped all types of conflict into two baskets: boundaries and values.
“A boundary is a fence, real or imaginary, but the conflict begins when a boundary is crossed,” she said. “Another kind of conflict is values: if a value is misaligned, this will cause tension. For example, if my value is being frugal, saving money, and my colleague values going big, we’re going to have a conflict.”
See the person, not the problem
Identifying which grouping of conflict you’re experiencing can making navigating it easier.
“Every single human being wants to be seen, heard, and valued. If we can come to this understanding, when we see people, we see them, not the problem.”
Ask yourself: what motivates this person? What do they care about? What are their expectations? Then, enter conflict with the intention to gain understanding of their point of view.
“We need to be active listeners,” Shooter said. “‘What I hear you saying…”’ is active listening. Repeat back what you understand and confirm it’s what they intended. Then, speak to be understood.”
Recognize how you respond to conflict
You want to enter a tense situation with the best version of yourself. Self-awareness and understanding can help you achieve this.
“Get familiar with the feelings that conflict brings up in you,” Shooter said. “Work to recognize what your triggers are. For me, when I have conflict, my heart speeds up and my adrenaline kicks in.”
Then, think about how you usually respond: avoid, attack, or agree? A mix of all three? The best response, Shooter said, is patience and space.
“Our emotions are our energy,” Shooter said. “Emotional outbursts happen, especially about certain topics or when sensitive boundaries get crossed. Silence can be our best friend here. Give yourself and the situation some space and see what happens – just the space alone can diffuse the energy and make responding easier.”
Focus on interests, not positions
Shooter advised to deep dive into other’s interests: “Interests define the problem.”
Instead of being on the defensive, Shooter said to enter conflict with the intent to learn.
“Approach the situation as an explorer or detective,” she said. “Looking at the surface level is fine, but there are so many layers. Once we can excavate, we can grasp the underlying issue that may actually be driving the disconnect.”
Though it may feel unnatural at first, Shooter asked that when in conflict, we state our side of the issue three different times, in three different ways.
“Say three times why you want something,” she said. “Take the time to explain three different reasons and ask the other person what theirs are. If you can do this with care, with grace, we can understand that your coworker’s main concern isn’t just the budget. Underneath this, they may have a deep fear about money from their personal life, or a bad experience with going over budget on a different project. All these things from the past come into the present.”
When we focus on the individual and their interests, all within context, we’re better able to center our relationship rather than the conflict.
Create psychological safety
This kind of conversation isn’t possible, however, if everyone involved doesn’t safe.
“Psychological safety is a shared belief that all team members feel comfortable taking interpersonal risks, having healthy boundaries, and staying in the present moment,” Shooter said.
If someone feels outnumbered, discriminated against, or otherwise at a disadvantage, the environment won’t be conducive to healthy solutions.
Shooter’s advice is to employ “I” statements as much as possible.
“‘I feel…’ and ‘I need…’, these kinds of statements hold the most power,” she said. “They’re simple things that you can say that can make a big difference. Your emotional, mental, and physical safety is valuable.”
Shooter said using an “I” statement when you feel uncomfortable, misunderstood, or upset can help diffuse conflict and get the conversation on the right track – or quickly table a topic if now isn’t the time.
“We need to normalize the use of these statements – it’s huge to have this safety,” she said.
Invent options for mutual gains
Once you’re able to gain the other side’s perspectives, and they understand yours, you can truly start to make progress.
Instead of jumping into decision making, Shooter advised taking this mutual understanding and feeding it into the brainstorming process.
“Let’s not go and decide immediately,” she said. “Let’s have a free-flowing, fun discussion where we get to brainstorm novel solutions. Let ideas pour out, but also be selective and intentional about brainstorming. Sit side-by-side and face the problem together.”
Once you have a solid list, hold these ideas to mutually agreed upon, objective criteria, such as market value, costs, efficiency, moral standards, and practicality.
Appreciate that conflict isn’t always “bad”
“I know it doesn’t always – or even often – feel this way, but conflict can be a gift,” Shooter said.
Through navigating conflict successfully, Shooter said individuals gain the “gifts of growing skills and deepening relationships.”
“Personally, you learn communication, self-confidence, and emotional intelligence,” she said. “And your relationships mature as well, since handling conflict in a healthy way builds trust and closeness within individuals and groups.”
These skills are transferable to every kind of situation throughout your life.
“We can’t control others and we can’t always control the circumstances, but once we have awareness, we can control ourselves,” she said. “If you can realize that you get to choose what you focus on, how you navigate issues, you can protect your own well-being.”
